How to be a positive nationalist?

A poll conducted by the Baseera reseach centre put the percentage of Egyptians ready to tolerate other Egyptian’s lack of nationalism at 19 percent. Another poll, also conducted by Baseera, suggested that at least 78 percent of Egypt’s population will only vote for the candidate who adopts a nationalist ideology. In an attempt to help the remaining minority of non-nationalist Egyptians, and foreigners, to better blend within Egypt’s national fabric, we have combined a list of guidelines to help you pursue a better, more focused nationalist future.

Tip: Follow the guidelines humbly yet with the correct degree of narcissism.

Mustafa Kamel, the orchestrator of "Teslam El-Ayady" operetta

Mustafa Kamel, the orchestrator of “Teslam El-Ayadi” operetta

1)      Listen to nationalist songs: A research conducted by the Ahram Centre for Political and Strategic Studies concluded that almost all members of the Tamarod rebellion campaign and Hamdeen Sabahy’s Al-Tayar Al-Shaaby have nationalist, Abdel Halim Hafez songs as their call tones. Dr. Ragheb Mahfouz, psychiatric at Al-Qasr Al-Aini hospital, cited medical research which proved that the lyrics of Hafez’s songs enhance one’s sense of belonging and gives one more reasons to be proud of one’s Egyptian nationality. If you’re not a big fan of classics, a suitable dose of Mustafa Kamel’s operetta “Teslam El-Ayadi” (bless those hands) will do the trick. Good news for nationalism newbies, Kamel’s currently working on a sequel operetta to thank Arab countries which stood by Egypt in its time of struggle.

2)      Snub foreigners: Remember the United Nations Security Council? Remember the United States? Remember Obama and his allegiance to the evil Muslim Brotherhood (see below for further details)? Remember all those Syrians and Palestinians who stood side by side with Muslim Brotherhood supporters and chanted for ousted President Mohamed Morsi’s return?

Trust no foreigners, except the Saudis, and the Emiratis, and the Kuwaitis, and the Russians, and the Sudanese, and maybe the Eritreans. If you see any non-Egyptian, other than the nationalities listed above, just as little as pass by any protest of any type, grab them by their shirt and take them to the nearest police station. Even if they are journalists, it’s probably an undercover for their espionage activities. Don’t be merciful with those; it is Egypt’s national security which is at stake. Learn from Gamal Abdel Nasser’s orchestrated exodus of Greek, Italian and Jewish communities from Egypt. If it weren’t for the great nationalist leader’s firmness, we would have never crushed the Zionists in 1973.

3)      Crush anything that is Islamist: Preserving your nationality dictates that you combat all that harbours any sign of Islamism. Anyone who even considers advocating a Muslim Brotherhood cause, even if their argument is making sense, should only be met by insistent hushing from your side. Even if you run into a man or a woman wearing the full Islamic attire, be it a beard or Galabiya for the man, a veil, Hijab or Abaya for the woman, shower them with threats to help them reverse those dangerous habits immediately. Egypt has endured enough beards and veils during the past year sufficient to last it for eternity. Needless to say, mute those Muslim Brotherhood snakes completely!

The evermost glorious, heroic general Abdel Fatah Al-Sisi, general commander of the glorious armed forces

The evermost glorious, heroic general Abdel Fatah Al-Sisi, general commander of the glorious armed forces

4)      Salute the Army: Do not miss an opportunity, mate. If you get into a taxi with a talkative driver, reflect on how grateful you are for the glorious Egyptian army and its glorious efforts to meet the peoples’ demands since the beginning of time. If you spend time on social media on a daily basis, make it a habit to post at least one pro-army song/ photo/ article per day. Having a poster of the glorious, fearless general Abdel Fatah Al-Sisi is a MUST. Preferably, you should possess several copies; hang one around your car, one outside your window, and one on the cupboard in your bedroom.

5)      Idiolise Tamarod: This blessed campaign of flowering Egyptian youths who freed the country from the terrorism of the Muslim Brotherhood and restored it to its heavenly protector, the armed forces, deserve nothing less than your apotheosis. Do not, ever question their motives or even dream of double-crossing them. If they tell you to take to the street to authorise the army and the police to fight terrorism and violence, do it without a second thought. If they tell you to stick to your home and abide by the curfew, don’t you dare move a finger. If they tell you to form neighbourhood watches around your district, run for the streets and get those lazy neighbours of yours off their couches and on the streets with you. And, needless to say, if they do as little as hint at you to vote for their newly formed party during the parliamentary elections …

Youssef Al-Hosseini; ONTV's number-one TV presenter (y)

Youssef Al-Hosseini; ONTV’s number-one TV presenter (y)

6)      Watch ONTV and other nationalist media: Do not watch foreign media. I repeat: do not watch foreign media. Even on a strictly professional level, who’s expected to provide better coverage for what’s happening inside Egypt? Your own, nationalist, Egyptian satellite channels or foreign, faraway channels with hidden agendas? ONTV strives to keep you informed about all those conniving plots being woven for Egypt by its international enemies. Watching this brave, patriotic channel is an eye-opener and a mandatory activity for a true seeker of nationalism. In the rare circumstance when you might find Lilliane Dawoud hinting at questioning the armed forces or Tamarod’s motives, or, God forbid, should Yosri Fouda ever return to the channel, feel free to switch to the equally patriotic CBC channel, Al-Nahar Channel, Dream TV channels, Al-Hayah Channel, or Al-Qahera Wal Nas.

7)      Boycott Turkish soap operas: I am well aware our Egyptian patriotic channels have already taken this heroic step, but sadly, Arab satellite channels such as MBC Misr show little regard for Egypt’s best interest and remain to broadcast this non-sense. Do not turn on those channels when it’s time for a Turkish soap. Better yet, boycott those channels altogether; they failed to respect your country’s wishes and so should you. Don’t give them any viewership.

A packet of the misleading, Turkish Tutku cookie

A packet of the misleading, Turkish Tutku cookie

8)      As a matter of fact, just boycott Turkey altogether: Forget about that touristic trip to Turkey you’ve been meaning to take. It’s just an average Mediterranean country anyways and it’s highly overrated. And if you’ve already taken that trip, and enjoyed it, erase the fun from your memory. Drive on the 6 October bridge, close your eyes, and pretend it’s the Bosporus Bridge instead. Needless to say, all Turkish products should also be effectively boycotted. Even this mouth-watering, delicious Tutku cookie, close your eyes and eat the Egyptian, good old Mary biscuit instead and your sense of nationalism will make it taste equally delicious.

Obama's photo with some lesson from Egyptians during a pro-army protest in Tahrir Square on July 7

Obama’s photo with some lesson from Egyptians during a pro-army protest in Tahrir Square on July 7

9)      Smear [Barack] Obama: that Islamist mother f***er needs to die!! Ehm, excuse my language, but that’s exactly the kind of attitude you must adopt when discussing Egypt’s number-one enemy. Obama paid millions of dollars to the Muslim Brotherhood to buy our dear, beloved Sinai, the same Sinai our glorious army is now dying to protect. He bribed the Muslim Brotherhood because he doesn’t want our Egypt to ever prosper. Rumour has it his Muslim father Hussein dumped his mother for an Egyptian woman, that’s why he’s so bitter about us and about our homeland. Dear Egyptians, your utter sense of nationalism is what helped you oust Morsi. And it shouldn’t stop you from ousting Obama. Fear not, for all the indicators already point towards a disrupted mandate for the US black president; the great American congress and Fox news are both on your side. It’s a guaranteed win.

10)   Silence the barkers: Those handful of traitors who dare to criticise our glorious army, our heroic Tamarod, or any of their allies, under the pretext of democracy, human rights, freedom of expression or any of those false claims should just be silenced by any means possible. Just like the foreigners, grab them by their shirts and hand them over to the nearest police station. It’s at critical times like these that exceptional procedures such as the state of emergency come in handy. Make the best use of those legal gems the state has helpfully put at your disposal.

Repeat until you master nationalism; which you should within a relatively short amount of time.


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